The Identity Piece

The boys went back to school today after their three week Christmas break. I feel that some of my purpose went with them. It was never an issue making the decision to be a stay-at-home mom. I was grounded in that choice, feeling like, finally, I know what I am supposed to do with my life! Now that they are older I often feel lost, or better yet, a loss. I will get asked the question from the boys, "What did you do today?" Sometimes this stupefies me. On the days when I am not volunteering at school, really, what do I do? I do a lot. I manage the house, the boys schedule, and yet I feel like I do nothing now, like I am making no difference in the world, not leaving any mark whatsoever. When they were little, and so needy, I never had a chance or wondered what it would be like when they weren't so needy, when they grew up. I feel the loss of their neediness. Now I know they will always need me, I do know that. And I know that they will need me in different ways through different times in their life. But it was just so much easier, somehow, when they needed me constantly. I didn't think about me, I was so focused on the tasks at hand. Eli walked through the laundry room the other day as I was doing my billionth load, and said, "It's hard to believe you do this for a living, Mom." Touché Eli. That's the moment it really hit me. That is what my boys think I do, and that's what bothers me. I guess I need to feel that I am so much more to them, to the world. Until I find my next purpose or path, I will take comfort in the fact that I am always here for my boys, and that they are safe, wearing clean underwear.