The Parent Piece

At some point, especially today, I realize I am going to have to let go.
I haven't written in a while.  I think it is because I honestly don't think anyone gives a shit about what I have to say.

Today, I don't care about that.  After what has happened this week in Boston, and the gun control fail in Washington, and Texas, and the earthquakes, and the other bombings, I don't care.  Because it really doesn't matter. 

Dylan and Eli are growing up so fast, in this scary, scary world.  As much as I yell and scream at them, and as much as I feel I am losing my mind, I never ever forget to tell them a hundred times a day how much I love them.  I want to put them in a bubble, to keep them safe from all the madness, all that is fucked up in this world, but I know I can't. 
There was a huge storm here last night, tornado warnings, and when it ripped thru, Eli was crying, missing his dad, saying we were all going to die.
As much as I wanted to crawl in the closet with him, I realized I had to stay in control.  I calmly said that no one would die on my watch, and to chill, I got this.  We will be ok.

Did I really believe this?  Last night yes.  9/11, no.  Other tornados, no.

I am doing the best that I can possibly do raising these two beautiful boys.  I will screw it up royally along the way, of that I am sure.  The world is such a scarier place than it was when I was young.
Even my mom, who was born as WWII was getting into full swing, lived thru Korea, Vietnam, The Cold War, Afghanistan, Iraq, says that it is just scarier now.  She is very level headed, so this hits hard when she says this.

This has been a very emotional week for me.  Looking into the eyes of my boys, knowing I will have to let them go, all too soon, into the world on their own.  And hoping I have done a good enough job as their mom.  It weighs on me.  But when it does, I take comfort in the fact that my 13 year old still lets me hug him in front of his friends, appreciates my taste in music and comedy, and still wants to snuggle. 

Hold them close everyone, all whom you love.

The Identity Piece

The boys went back to school today after their three week Christmas break. I feel that some of my purpose went with them. It was never an issue making the decision to be a stay-at-home mom. I was grounded in that choice, feeling like, finally, I know what I am supposed to do with my life! Now that they are older I often feel lost, or better yet, a loss. I will get asked the question from the boys, "What did you do today?" Sometimes this stupefies me. On the days when I am not volunteering at school, really, what do I do? I do a lot. I manage the house, the boys schedule, and yet I feel like I do nothing now, like I am making no difference in the world, not leaving any mark whatsoever. When they were little, and so needy, I never had a chance or wondered what it would be like when they weren't so needy, when they grew up. I feel the loss of their neediness. Now I know they will always need me, I do know that. And I know that they will need me in different ways through different times in their life. But it was just so much easier, somehow, when they needed me constantly. I didn't think about me, I was so focused on the tasks at hand. Eli walked through the laundry room the other day as I was doing my billionth load, and said, "It's hard to believe you do this for a living, Mom." Touché Eli. That's the moment it really hit me. That is what my boys think I do, and that's what bothers me. I guess I need to feel that I am so much more to them, to the world. Until I find my next purpose or path, I will take comfort in the fact that I am always here for my boys, and that they are safe, wearing clean underwear.